I feel peaceful for the first time in….I don’t know how long.
Right now, life is good – even though, in some ways, it’s very bad. But somehow the external chaos isn’t touching me. I’m dealing with it, and it’s okay. I’m okay.
I feel like ME again.
There was a point tonight where, after the kids were fast asleep, I was laying on the couch, head in Tom’s lap, watching “The Intern” as it rained outside. And I noticed the peace. I wasn’t anxious about everything going on. I didn’t feel the weight smothering me. I just felt happy. I felt normal. I felt like this is the life I was meant to be living.
Upon further reflection, my best moments have always involved watching movies with Tom at very stressful points in my life. Where would I be without him?
The next few weeks are going to be difficult, no doubt. I’m heading to Boston on Tuesday to check into a residential program that will (hopefully) amp my DBT skills up a bit. I’m struggling with the decision to go, because I AM doing so incredibly well. I don’t know that I necessarily need a residential treatment program in my current state. To be fair, the program does offer a partial-hospitalization program, but staying in a hotel for two weeks is not exactly financially feasible (or reasonable). Still, there’s a lot going into making this happen for me, and I feel bad putting everyone through so much when it may not be completely necessary. On the flip side, I don’t know if this opportunity will ever come again – so many things aligned perfectly in order to make this happen. I don’t think that alignment will ever happen again. So I’m taking that as my sign to go.
I’m going to miss my kids the most. Of course I’ll miss Tom, but my kids…
I hope I can do this. I hope I’m making the right decision.
At the very least, I’m grateful for this night. I needed that slice of calm to fuel me for the long journey ahead. I’m going to do my best to hold onto that feeling as long as possible.